Adventures in London pubs: someone's fucked up big

Honestly, I try to have a nice day out, go to rock'n'roll Leyton to watch Sheffield Wednesday play, go to a pub beforehand to watch the Liverpool match, like a normal person having a normal day... but the sexism, it HUNTS ME DOWN! It charges at me as if it were Jamie Carragher burling like a wall of Scouse muscle!

Which is not, I hasten to add, meant to imply that Jamie Carragher is sexist. Much less the living embodiment of sexism itself. I bet he's lovely.

So, two things:

1. I am really bored of having to recite the offside rule as some kind of anti-sexist nuclear option
Fernando Torres scored a goal! There was much rejoicing! He was not offside, though it was a tight call - a call made by a lady assistant referee. We were watching with the sound turned down, but both my Manpanion and I said, "I bet the commentators are making snide remarks about how women don't understand the offside rule. They're probably itching to try to explain it to her using two pepperpots, a bottle of ketchup and a pea."

And lo, the world was stunned...

Richard Keys: Well, somebody better get down there and explain offside to her.

Andy Gray: Yeah, I know. Can you believe that? Female linesman. Forget what I said – they probably don't know the offside rule.

RK: Course they don't.

AG: Why is there a female linesman? Somebody's fucked up big.

Maybe, Richard, someone needs to explain it to you. I have condiments.

2. Camaraderie, and cattle-prods
Manpanion returned from a visit to the water closet with an interesting tale to tell: Above the urinals were posted pictures of sexy ladies in varying states of undress. Which is normal, and not at all counter-productive. Another gentleman, also using these salubrious facilities, nodded towards the decor and said,

"Puts you off a bit, eh?"

"Er..."

"Imagine having that at home."

That? For the sake of sanity, let's assume he means "a wall of porn", not "a living, breathing person installed in your house for the sole purpose of not wearing much and pouting breathily at all times".

"Imagine having that in your cellar, with a cattle prod."

Oh.