Techno joy

Three techno gadgets which would my improve life immeasurably:

1. A service which would automatically email me around the middle of the month, saying "Seriously, Han, you're probably not pregnant. It's okay. Why not wait a week and then freak out, for a change? And even if you were - you'd deal. You work for an abortion fund, for heaven's sake; you've got contacts."

(NB I feel it is my duty as a #prochoicefriend to note that you don't actually need contacts to get an abortion in the mainland UK. You just need a GP. And if you're from Ireland or NI, you just need one contact, and that contact is me, and you already have that one.)

2. Some technical wizardry which would detect both my relative level of exhaustion and my proximity to supermarkets. When both reached critical levels concurrently, an automatic siren would sound, and a kindly voice would say, "Love, you look like shit; while I applaud your optimism, you are not going to cook a delicious tagine, mushroom tart, or smoked cheese and new potato pie. You are going to stuff down a barely-cooked pizza down your neck before collapsing into bed. And you will feel a lot better about this if you don't spend a tenner on delicious fresh ingredients and then while away the next week watching them gently decompose."

3. I'm desperately fighting my inner consumerist, so I am not going to end this by saying 'an iphone'. I'm not, I'm not, I'm ... ye gods, keep me from ebay.