Life lessons from Associated Newspapers

You know what never gets less fun? Making fun of the Daily Mail. I know, I know, it's designed to wind me up (yes me, specifically, for I am the centre of the universe) and I'm just giving them pageviews and so prolonging the paper's lifespan and bringing forth the day when we all suffer under the dictatorship of President The Daily Mail... but, still, fun!

Ladies: stop trying to act like men! Because that's exactly what you are doing, all the time, in a pathetic attempt to climb the ranks of management! By using men's heads as an actual staircase:

Well at least now I know why I still haven't got that raise.

I mean, christ, "acting like men"? Which seems to encompass cardinal sins like "self-confidence, assertiveness and other characteristics linked with successful management"? Except that the article suggests that these traits come naturally to many of the women in the study, suggesting that when they behaved in such a way, they'd be acting like... themselves? And they are women? There's a guy sitting to my left eating cashew nuts and listening to Mos Def: should I never do those things, at least not in the workplace, if I ever aspire to earn more than twenty grand?

The findings, which will dismay feminists, suggest the best way for a woman to succeed in a man’s world is to act like a lady.

Or we could maybe try to STOP IT BEING A MOTHERFUCKING MAN'S WORLD. (Whoops. There I go again, Acting Like A Man.)

That was contemptuous irritation, by the way, not "dismay".

But, as ever, it's the sidebar links that really flesh out the full experience of Femail. For instance, did you know that Michelle Obama wears clothes?

Check out Barry's daring bow tie. You'd have expected him to wear a giant US flag wrapped around his neck

Furthermore, sometimes famous and ridiculously attractive women have the "barefaced" cheek not to wear make-up. Not even "a scrap of foundation"! The horror! I ask you, WHAT WOULD GEORGE CLOONEY SAY? Sadly I can't answer that for you, but I have resolved to ask my manpanion's permission before doing anything ever again. "Dear Manpanion, may I go to the shop to buy some cereal even though I haven't washed yet this morning please? It's just that if I try to have a shower without eating something first, I will probably faint, bang my head on the bath, and then I'll end up with a hideously unsightly bruise, and then WHAT WOULD GEORGE CLOONEY SAY?"

WHAT A MINGER!

It's cool though, they've found another picture of her with flicky shiny hair and a lovely shiny frock that I'm presuming is held up by tiny invisible angels, and, crucially, a dude on her arm. And, I guess, more than a scrap of foundation.

Actual caption: "That's more like it!"

And then they have the fabulous gall to ask...

Fucked if I know.